Sleepaway Camp (1983)
In my childhood, I was fond of watching horror movies deemed unfit for viewing by my parents. At the time, I thought they were trying to shield me from violence, profanity, or "dirty parts." Now I think they were just trying to keep me from seeing really, really crappy movies. Somehow I still managed to watch Sleepaway Camp when I was about 10-years-old. I remember this movie as being one of the greatest horror films of the 80's. I was so wrong.
My brother and I were looking for something to watch while the election night coverage was going on. I just get too worked up over it to sustain attention over the several hours required to get anything out of it. I'm not sure what possessed us to do it, but we decided that Sleepaway Camp was a perfect piece of nostalgia to get us through the evening.
What a steaming pile! First, there's the acting. Finer thespians can be found in any low-budget softcore Skinamax feature. It's like a high school media club project gone horribly wrong. I don't know where they found the kids for this movie but they could have replaced them with sock puppets and no one would have noticed the difference.
Second, what the hell are they wearing? I know it was the 80's but Jesus Christ! Could they have gotten the wardrobe from somewhere other than the thrift store? I was fine with the mullets and sideways ponytails but men wearing half-shirts and hot pants are not okay.
***Spoiler Alert*** Third, most of it just doesn't make sense. A boy and girl are shown on a sailboat with their father. Two moronic teenagers in a speedboat cause an accident which kills the father and the boy. Flash-forward 8 years and the girl, Angela, is being raised by her psychotic aunt. She is sent to summer camp along with her cousin Ricky. Over the course of about 1.5 hours, Angela kills people. And why does she do this? Because Angela is really Peter. The real Angela died in the boat accident. The crazy aunt dressed Peter like a girl and now he's become a psycho transsexual homicidal maniac. What??? Why??? I'm sure they address it in the sequels but I don't have the masochistic desires to watch another one. The movie ends with Angela/Peter holding the decapitated head of a boy who liked her/him as she/he stands completely naked making an agonizing face, a scene that is supposed to be scary but just makes the viewer uncomfortably concerned for the actor playing the shemale-surprise.
Finally, I could have done without the pedophilia jokes. The head chef of the camp is a pervert who really likes kids. I'm not going to say what he said but the MPAA would definitely not approve some of his dialog today.
This movie makes me feel a whole lot better about today's horror films, even those tired Japanese retreads that keep popping up. Avoid Sleepaway Camp. It is not what you remember.
I did a quick internet search about the movie and the original director is planning to make a new sequel. Please Mr. Hiltzik, let sleeping turds lie...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Retro Movie Review 2
Over the Top (1987)
I'm imagining a meeting that may have taken place in the mid-80s between the executives at Warner Bros and Sylvester Stallone. It probably went like this:
Sly: "Hey, yo! You know, I wanna make a new movie."
WB Exec 1: "Sounds great. After Rocky and Rambo, how can you go wrong. What's the movie gonna be about?"
Sly: "I don't know. Prob'ly arm wresslin' or somethin'."
WB Exec 2: "What?"
Sly: "I could drive a truck."
WB Exec 1: "You add a pissed-off old man and a whiny brat kid and you've got yourself a greenlight!"
Well, that's probably not how it happened but it probably wasn't far off. Sylvester Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver/arm wrestler/absent father who tries to get his whiny brat son to accept him on a trip to Las Vegas arm wrestling competition. If you don't like this movie, you can kiss my butt. It shows us just what horribly right about the 80s. This movie could never be made today. One time on the school bus, I was arm wrestling a bigger kid. I started to lose so I tried the "over the top" move. After losing, I was ridiculed for my attempt. Its tough for an 8-year-old to learn that not EVERYTHING they see in a movie is real. Oh well.
If you ever watch this movie, try this drinking game. Whenever you hear any rendition of Kenny Loggins' "Meet You Half Way", take a drink. You'll probably die before you finish the movie.
Let's just hope that Sylvester Stallone decides to follow his current trend of making sequels to his past cinematic successes by making "Over the Top 2: ThumbWrestleMania".
I'm imagining a meeting that may have taken place in the mid-80s between the executives at Warner Bros and Sylvester Stallone. It probably went like this:
Sly: "Hey, yo! You know, I wanna make a new movie."
WB Exec 1: "Sounds great. After Rocky and Rambo, how can you go wrong. What's the movie gonna be about?"
Sly: "I don't know. Prob'ly arm wresslin' or somethin'."
WB Exec 2: "What?"
Sly: "I could drive a truck."
WB Exec 1: "You add a pissed-off old man and a whiny brat kid and you've got yourself a greenlight!"
Well, that's probably not how it happened but it probably wasn't far off. Sylvester Stallone plays Lincoln Hawk, a truck driver/arm wrestler/absent father who tries to get his whiny brat son to accept him on a trip to Las Vegas arm wrestling competition. If you don't like this movie, you can kiss my butt. It shows us just what horribly right about the 80s. This movie could never be made today. One time on the school bus, I was arm wrestling a bigger kid. I started to lose so I tried the "over the top" move. After losing, I was ridiculed for my attempt. Its tough for an 8-year-old to learn that not EVERYTHING they see in a movie is real. Oh well.
If you ever watch this movie, try this drinking game. Whenever you hear any rendition of Kenny Loggins' "Meet You Half Way", take a drink. You'll probably die before you finish the movie.
Let's just hope that Sylvester Stallone decides to follow his current trend of making sequels to his past cinematic successes by making "Over the Top 2: ThumbWrestleMania".
Retro Movie Review
These days, everyone posts reviews of movies online but they usually just review movies that are in the theaters right now. Well, I like to be a little different. I'm going to start posting movie reviews on my blog but none of the movies can be made after 2000. Here is a review of one particularly awful film that you should stay away from if at all possible.
Diamonds (1999)
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or a drama because it wasn't funny enough to make me laugh or dramatic enough to make me care. Kirk Douglas plays an ex-boxer/stroke victim who tries to bond with his son (Dan Aykroyd) and grandson by going on a road trip to Reno in order to find a long lost treasure. I didn't expect much from this film since it was directed by a man who was billed as "Smartass Mohawk" in the 1994 big-screen adaptation of Double Dragon. Yes, that's right. John Mallory Asher, the director, played a supporting role in a crappy movie about a so-so Nintendo game. But let's forgive him for that particular lapse of judgment. Let's focus on his lack of skill as a director. Not once did I believe that anyone attached to this film actually cared about what they were doing. Asher felt, for some reason, that the only thing he had to do to show a dramatic moment was to cue the violin music and zoom-out with the camera. Speaking of drama, whoever told Dan Aykroyd to pursue his dramatic abilities after "My Girl" and its groan-worthy sequel "My Girl 2" should be kicked in the head repeatedly. Even Kirk Douglas who had actually had a stroke prior to filming unnecessarily caused many embarrassing moments. If you need examples, just imagine him yelling about wanting to "get laid" and standing with his pants around his ankles with four dissatisfied prostitutes.
Diamonds (1999)
I'm not really sure if this is supposed to be a comedy or a drama because it wasn't funny enough to make me laugh or dramatic enough to make me care. Kirk Douglas plays an ex-boxer/stroke victim who tries to bond with his son (Dan Aykroyd) and grandson by going on a road trip to Reno in order to find a long lost treasure. I didn't expect much from this film since it was directed by a man who was billed as "Smartass Mohawk" in the 1994 big-screen adaptation of Double Dragon. Yes, that's right. John Mallory Asher, the director, played a supporting role in a crappy movie about a so-so Nintendo game. But let's forgive him for that particular lapse of judgment. Let's focus on his lack of skill as a director. Not once did I believe that anyone attached to this film actually cared about what they were doing. Asher felt, for some reason, that the only thing he had to do to show a dramatic moment was to cue the violin music and zoom-out with the camera. Speaking of drama, whoever told Dan Aykroyd to pursue his dramatic abilities after "My Girl" and its groan-worthy sequel "My Girl 2" should be kicked in the head repeatedly. Even Kirk Douglas who had actually had a stroke prior to filming unnecessarily caused many embarrassing moments. If you need examples, just imagine him yelling about wanting to "get laid" and standing with his pants around his ankles with four dissatisfied prostitutes.
10 Reasons Why the Colored Episodes of The Andy Griffith Show Sucked
Every morning, I watch two episodes of The Andy Griffith Show on CBS. Im not sure why, but CBS feels that it is necessary to show the colored episodes of TAGS which ran from 1965-1966. There are ten reasons why the colored episodes suck. Here are those reasons.
10. CBS
Between 1965-1970, executives at CBS began to feel that there were too many hicks on TV. The Andy Griffith Show, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, and Petticoat Junction had all been very popular shows that featured simply country people without the worries of life in the city. The conflicts these characters encountered usually involved things like drinking too much hard cider or livestock causing problems for the townfolk. These executives began to influence how the shows were written by taming the weird ways of the shows bumpkin characters. By 1971, the executives had cancelled all of them to promote a young, urban lifestyle.
9. The Young, Urban Lifestyle
The Andy Griffith Show started featuring episodes that catered to teenagers. The Senior Play featured high school kids trying to show the principal that the type of dancing that was popular in the mid-1960s was no more scandalous than in his own teenage years. Opies' Group featured the redheaded boy-wonder playing guitar for a rock band while that old moron, Clara Edwards, tried to get him to pay more attention to his schoolwork. These episodes suck. Dont bother watching them.
8. Opie Wasn't Cute Anymore
He was an adolescent and extremely awkward. I believe that everything changed after the black-and-white episode, Opie the Birdman, in Season 4. The innocence of the boy seen in the episode titled Opie's Charity was gone forever. After that, he was a jealous (episode 110), egotistical (episode 190), lying (episode 239) little turd.
7. Floyd Left
Howard McNear, who played the town barber Floyd Lawson, suffered a stroke early on in the series. After that, he was only filmed sitting down and his mannerisms changed considerably. This new Floyd was funny but for entirely different reasons. Despite his condition, he frequently appeared on the show until he suffered another stroke and was forced to call it quits before the start of the final season. His shop was then given to Emmett, of Emmett's Fixit Shop fame. Emmett never uttered one funny line on the entire show. When Floyd left, any possibility for a humorous situation disappeared. If a colored episode is on and Floyd isn't in it, dont bother.
6. Warren Ferguson
The writers of the show tried to replace Barney Fife with a similar by-the-books deputy who would let no crime go unpunished. Unfortunately, Warren was not funny. He was a straight-man. The reason why Andy and Barney worked was because Andy was the straight-man and Barney was the clown. You can't have two people on the screen who aren't trying to be funny! That is why Warren was dropped in the middle of the Sixth season. It is important to note that Jack Burns (who played Warren) was very funny and even went on become the head writer for the Muppet Show.
5. Andy Was Forced to Cover His Southern Accent
Listen to his dialogue in Seasons 1-5 compared to Seasons 6-8. It is like night and day. This falls under the same crap described in #10 but it was so bad that it needed its own section higher up on the list.
4. Goober Was No Gomer
Don't get me wrong. I love several episodes where Goober is the main attraction. I wouldn't take a bag of severed leprechaun heads for my VHS tape of the Goober Takes the Car Apart episode. But as soon as the show went to color, they had taken the character as far as it could without being annoying. See Episodes 186, 196, or 199 for proof. I think the problem was that he was an idiot but not a complete idiot. I mean, he has the ability to take a car apart and put it back together again several times within the span of a single episode. Gomer, on the other hand, was a complete and total idiot. He was so much of an idiot that his idiotic exploits forced the creation of his own spin-off show, which was very popular during its five year run.
3. Howard Sprague, the County Clerk
Here was a middle-aged man who lived with his mother and had a boring job. I felt sorry for Howard. He tried to move to an island in the Caribbean and he was miserable. Then, he moved back to Mayberry to continue his sad, boring life. He even turned away Millie, the only girl who ever loved him. Here was another character who wasn't funny and delivered lines that were followed by a laugh-track despite the fact that they weren't jokes. Even the episode that featured Howard as a stand-up comedian on Colonel Tims Talent Time wasn't funny. I will admit that I am a little jealous of the bachelor pad that he had in Episode 246.
2. Everett Greenbaum, Jim Fritzell, and Harvey Bullock Quit
The three names associated with the best Andy Griffith Show episodes are Everett Greenbaum, Jim Fritzell, and Harvey Bullock. They wrote some of the most memorable moments in sitcom history. Read the book Mayberry 101 to get the inside scoop on the episodes they wrote. When they left the show, a new team of writers came in who were all too willing to give the CBS executives the show they wanted, a sappy and dramatic piece of crap.
1. No Barney Fife!!!
When the show began, Andy Griffith had only planned to do the show for five years. With this in mind, Don Knotts signed a movie contract that would begin as soon as the fifth year was over. Andy later decided to continue the show but Don Knotts couldn't get out of the movie contract. Despite his 5 guest appearances, the show never recovered. Bernard P. Fife (or Bernard Milton Fife/Bernard Oliver Fife due to inconsistencies over the years) was too important to the show to lose. I will say that I love The Incredible Mr. Limpet and The Ghost and Mr. Chicken which were filmed as a result of this awful movie contract.
If it's any help, my cousin pointed out that the colored episodes are much better when you turn the color all the way down on your TV. For some reason, your brain tries to trick you into thinking the episode is funnier than it actually is. Try it sometime or just watch the 700 Club like I'm forced to do some mornings. God, I need cable.
10. CBS
Between 1965-1970, executives at CBS began to feel that there were too many hicks on TV. The Andy Griffith Show, The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, and Petticoat Junction had all been very popular shows that featured simply country people without the worries of life in the city. The conflicts these characters encountered usually involved things like drinking too much hard cider or livestock causing problems for the townfolk. These executives began to influence how the shows were written by taming the weird ways of the shows bumpkin characters. By 1971, the executives had cancelled all of them to promote a young, urban lifestyle.
9. The Young, Urban Lifestyle
The Andy Griffith Show started featuring episodes that catered to teenagers. The Senior Play featured high school kids trying to show the principal that the type of dancing that was popular in the mid-1960s was no more scandalous than in his own teenage years. Opies' Group featured the redheaded boy-wonder playing guitar for a rock band while that old moron, Clara Edwards, tried to get him to pay more attention to his schoolwork. These episodes suck. Dont bother watching them.
8. Opie Wasn't Cute Anymore
He was an adolescent and extremely awkward. I believe that everything changed after the black-and-white episode, Opie the Birdman, in Season 4. The innocence of the boy seen in the episode titled Opie's Charity was gone forever. After that, he was a jealous (episode 110), egotistical (episode 190), lying (episode 239) little turd.
7. Floyd Left
Howard McNear, who played the town barber Floyd Lawson, suffered a stroke early on in the series. After that, he was only filmed sitting down and his mannerisms changed considerably. This new Floyd was funny but for entirely different reasons. Despite his condition, he frequently appeared on the show until he suffered another stroke and was forced to call it quits before the start of the final season. His shop was then given to Emmett, of Emmett's Fixit Shop fame. Emmett never uttered one funny line on the entire show. When Floyd left, any possibility for a humorous situation disappeared. If a colored episode is on and Floyd isn't in it, dont bother.
6. Warren Ferguson
The writers of the show tried to replace Barney Fife with a similar by-the-books deputy who would let no crime go unpunished. Unfortunately, Warren was not funny. He was a straight-man. The reason why Andy and Barney worked was because Andy was the straight-man and Barney was the clown. You can't have two people on the screen who aren't trying to be funny! That is why Warren was dropped in the middle of the Sixth season. It is important to note that Jack Burns (who played Warren) was very funny and even went on become the head writer for the Muppet Show.
5. Andy Was Forced to Cover His Southern Accent
Listen to his dialogue in Seasons 1-5 compared to Seasons 6-8. It is like night and day. This falls under the same crap described in #10 but it was so bad that it needed its own section higher up on the list.
4. Goober Was No Gomer
Don't get me wrong. I love several episodes where Goober is the main attraction. I wouldn't take a bag of severed leprechaun heads for my VHS tape of the Goober Takes the Car Apart episode. But as soon as the show went to color, they had taken the character as far as it could without being annoying. See Episodes 186, 196, or 199 for proof. I think the problem was that he was an idiot but not a complete idiot. I mean, he has the ability to take a car apart and put it back together again several times within the span of a single episode. Gomer, on the other hand, was a complete and total idiot. He was so much of an idiot that his idiotic exploits forced the creation of his own spin-off show, which was very popular during its five year run.
3. Howard Sprague, the County Clerk
Here was a middle-aged man who lived with his mother and had a boring job. I felt sorry for Howard. He tried to move to an island in the Caribbean and he was miserable. Then, he moved back to Mayberry to continue his sad, boring life. He even turned away Millie, the only girl who ever loved him. Here was another character who wasn't funny and delivered lines that were followed by a laugh-track despite the fact that they weren't jokes. Even the episode that featured Howard as a stand-up comedian on Colonel Tims Talent Time wasn't funny. I will admit that I am a little jealous of the bachelor pad that he had in Episode 246.
2. Everett Greenbaum, Jim Fritzell, and Harvey Bullock Quit
The three names associated with the best Andy Griffith Show episodes are Everett Greenbaum, Jim Fritzell, and Harvey Bullock. They wrote some of the most memorable moments in sitcom history. Read the book Mayberry 101 to get the inside scoop on the episodes they wrote. When they left the show, a new team of writers came in who were all too willing to give the CBS executives the show they wanted, a sappy and dramatic piece of crap.
1. No Barney Fife!!!
When the show began, Andy Griffith had only planned to do the show for five years. With this in mind, Don Knotts signed a movie contract that would begin as soon as the fifth year was over. Andy later decided to continue the show but Don Knotts couldn't get out of the movie contract. Despite his 5 guest appearances, the show never recovered. Bernard P. Fife (or Bernard Milton Fife/Bernard Oliver Fife due to inconsistencies over the years) was too important to the show to lose. I will say that I love The Incredible Mr. Limpet and The Ghost and Mr. Chicken which were filmed as a result of this awful movie contract.
If it's any help, my cousin pointed out that the colored episodes are much better when you turn the color all the way down on your TV. For some reason, your brain tries to trick you into thinking the episode is funnier than it actually is. Try it sometime or just watch the 700 Club like I'm forced to do some mornings. God, I need cable.
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