Retro Movie Review 3

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

In my childhood, I was fond of watching horror movies deemed unfit for viewing by my parents. At the time, I thought they were trying to shield me from violence, profanity, or "dirty parts." Now I think they were just trying to keep me from seeing really, really crappy movies. Somehow I still managed to watch Sleepaway Camp when I was about 10-years-old. I remember this movie as being one of the greatest horror films of the 80's. I was so wrong.

My brother and I were looking for something to watch while the election night coverage was going on. I just get too worked up over it to sustain attention over the several hours required to get anything out of it. I'm not sure what possessed us to do it, but we decided that Sleepaway Camp was a perfect piece of nostalgia to get us through the evening.

What a steaming pile! First, there's the acting. Finer thespians can be found in any low-budget softcore Skinamax feature. It's like a high school media club project gone horribly wrong. I don't know where they found the kids for this movie but they could have replaced them with sock puppets and no one would have noticed the difference.

Second, what the hell are they wearing? I know it was the 80's but Jesus Christ! Could they have gotten the wardrobe from somewhere other than the thrift store? I was fine with the mullets and sideways ponytails but men wearing half-shirts and hot pants are not okay.

***Spoiler Alert*** Third, most of it just doesn't make sense. A boy and girl are shown on a sailboat with their father. Two moronic teenagers in a speedboat cause an accident which kills the father and the boy. Flash-forward 8 years and the girl, Angela, is being raised by her psychotic aunt. She is sent to summer camp along with her cousin Ricky. Over the course of about 1.5 hours, Angela kills people. And why does she do this? Because Angela is really Peter. The real Angela died in the boat accident. The crazy aunt dressed Peter like a girl and now he's become a psycho transsexual homicidal maniac. What??? Why??? I'm sure they address it in the sequels but I don't have the masochistic desires to watch another one. The movie ends with Angela/Peter holding the decapitated head of a boy who liked her/him as she/he stands completely naked making an agonizing face, a scene that is supposed to be scary but just makes the viewer uncomfortably concerned for the actor playing the shemale-surprise.

Finally, I could have done without the pedophilia jokes. The head chef of the camp is a pervert who really likes kids. I'm not going to say what he said but the MPAA would definitely not approve some of his dialog today.

This movie makes me feel a whole lot better about today's horror films, even those tired Japanese retreads that keep popping up. Avoid Sleepaway Camp. It is not what you remember.

I did a quick internet search about the movie and the original director is planning to make a new sequel. Please Mr. Hiltzik, let sleeping turds lie...